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Releasing Shame: Executive Dysfunction

Updated: Jul 3


CW: Childhood abuse, verbal and physical.


As someone who had a history of with depression and anxiety and therefore executive dysfunction- I have always felt like I was behind- on something. I have always felt deep down inside that if I wasn’t doing something - I was nothing.


I have memories of being called lazy, sloppy, disgusting, and "crazy like my mother". Of constantly being yelled at and beat when things were not done correctly. My things were destroyed and broken if my chores were not done to the standards of my step mother and father. I lived in a state of terror. If i was sick - I was faking or exaggerating and rarely taken to the doctor. I fwas diagnosed at 20 years old with asthma and allergies. My symptoms were not new.


I was the problem always. My needs a burden. My boundaries, non existent. I was an inconvenience.


In my #shadowwork I learned that I “freeze” when it comes to accomplishing tasks, including self care. “ When a child isn't able to fight or run from perceived danger, it incites a panic response, making one numb or immobile in the face of the stressor. either get stuck in #analysisparalysis and get lost researching the correct way to do something (because I am stupid and can’t do anything right), or despite a desperate desire to accomplish the needed task, I. Just. Cant.


I hear those same words “lazy, never amount to anything, idiot, moron, asshole, drama queen” My body tenses up for impact. The Parasympathetic System Activates.


So. Much. Shame.

Frozen.


When I’m not productive or when I an unable to initiate a task, I feel worthless- like a failure, then terror- I'm going to get in trouble. As if some invisible giant is going to fling me across the room or grab me by the throat and squeeze.


Under the surface of my procrastination- is a deep fear of failure and then punishment. If I can’t do it [perfectly] then what?


Primal fear floods my body. My adrenal system kicks off and I go it to full on trauma response. I am s. #cptsd.


It’s in these moments that the above affirmation is needed to help ground me in the present where in fact- in reality, today - I am safe. I am enough.

My well-being becomes my primary focus - not my to do list. Calming and soothing my inner child(ren) is infinitely more important than cleaning the toilet or going to the grocery store. (Which I can’t do if I’m having panic attacks anyway)


Even if I can’t hear it- the voices of my inner critical parents have taken control. Feelings can activate our autonomic nervous systems. Its imperative that in that moment I become my own loving parent .

I become the person I needed as a child. I no longer abuse myself with the words of my step mother or father. I take the time to soothe away my shame and allow myself to just be.



Sometimes I say the affirmations in first person. Slow controlled breathing and repeating affirmations works wonders A lot of times. Other times - breathwork and affirmations are not enough. This works best when I find myself in the sympathetic fight or flight response. That looks more like doing other tasks, analysis paralysis and beating myself up internally.


When I am in the state of a terror that results in me unable to take any action. I am dealing with primal emotions from my parasympathetic system colliding with the voice of my inner critic- this response is completely out of my control, and perfectly normal. The autonomic nervous system is responsible for survival. “The fight or flight response, or stress response, is triggered by a release of hormones either prompting us to stay and fight or run away and flee,” explains psychologist Carolyn Fisher, PhD. “During the response, all bodily systems are working to keep us alive in what we’ve perceived as a dangerous situation.”


Without you even telling it what to do, your body is assessing what’s going on around you and determining your options on how you most likely could survive the event.“ For more on what happens our bodies when we are triggered, click here.


I’m likely dealing with a fragmented ego state and as a survival skill developed to survive chaos of my home - there's dissociation, derealization and/depersonalization . It’s in those moments I speak to my internal parts as if they are separate- because they are. #innerchildren These responses are a result of very primal part of the autonomic nervous system- the parasympathetic system. "Freezing is not a passive state but rather a parasympathetic brake on the motor system"


Instead of ‘I am’ with my affirmations - I say ‘Deborah, you are…’


I tell my inner children they are safe and , supportered by the earth. I do this in a forward fold, holding my ankles or feet to help ground me in the present moment. I c connect back with my body. The youngest self is found between the knees and ankles energeticalls. According to Dr. Lawrence Heller PhD, author of Healimg Developmental Trauma, dissociation is learned as early as infancy while we were left screaming in our cribs.

Next, I breathe and comfort myself as if I were a terrified little child who can’t find their parents. I visualize myself kneeling down in front of me as a little girl. Gently comforting my inner child(ren) as I would any terrorized little kid.

The knees and ankles hold our deepest core wounds to our sense of self. Rubbing the knees in a circular motion, alternating clockwise, to counter clockwise while repeating the soothing phrases helps to “unlock” trapped emotions. I do this in a cross legged position. It is common to weep, sob, wail, even yell. These feelings can be really big, be gentle with yourself.

The spoken word- especially that of a practicing witch- has great power. This is important to know friends. “Language is the faithful companion of the studen of the Mysteries. Words of power are our greatest human instruments. A word, properly vibrated, can have a powerful affect on inner planes.“ Robert Wang, The Qabalistic Tarot.

When our words are combined with our touch - there is even more releasing power. Alchemy.

Your body will tell you where these emotions are trapped.

Scan your body- where are the feelings hiding? What do they feel like? Stay with feelings and use adjectives. When your mind tries to revert back to thoughts - bring it back to describing the physical sensations in the body.

Feelings will come up. You may need to stretch. There will be tenderness and/or simple physical pain- emotions will release from stretching. Trapped emotions result in physical pain and sickness.



Intuitive tapping/slapping is helpful to loose trapped emotions, along with applying pressure to tender spots.

I work the below areas when dealing with repressed and destructive emotions.


Knees, chest, sternum, sides of ribs, liver.

Once you get into this flow, it’s critical that you trust in your own ability to energetically heal yourself.


Allow your hands and your body to move without second-guessing yourself, with out thinking about it.


We must brave the emotions rising up so that we can release them from our physical and energetic bodies. Resisting the emotions rising up is absolutely normal.

I remind myself when I feel my body trying to suppress these gigantic feelings during my energetically work, “These feelings cannot and will not unalive you. You are safe. You can trust me to help you release this pain. I am helping y'all.”


It doesn’t matter if we consciously believe our affirmations - the very act of doing the affirmations is enough intention to unlock miraculous healing.

Eventually- something shifts. Suddenly, we come to believe the words we are saying on internal planes of existence. The result os a dramatic shift in consciousness that transforms us from the inside out. With our us even noticing! New neural pathways are created. Energetic removal of schemas is helpful here.

We can change harmful core beliefs about the self while simultaneously altering our timeline.


Our inner worlds shift - atering our outer worlds.


This is true alchemy.


Notice the shift in this blog- I’m no longer focusing on finding ways to overcome my executive dysfunction. I am simply and most importantly, focusing all my energy and intent on loving myself IN and DESPITE OF my executive dysfunction. Just as I am.

I am Enough. I have always been enough.


I give myself permission to be enough just as I am. #neurodivergent #cptsd #adhd #bpd #mdd #ocd



How do you speak to yourself when you are struggling with #exectivedysfunction ? What can you say to your inner child instead?

Divination


Affirmations: I am safe. I make myself safe. I am learning to be kind to myself. I deserve my love and kindness. If I never overcome this, I am enough and worthy of love. My worth and value is determined by the amount of tasks I complete. I accept myself where I am. I love myself right where I am at. I show myself respect. I am learning to love myself. I am patient with myself. I deserve gentleness. I can trust myself.

Crystals: Bracciated jasper, yellow jasper, onbsidian, green prehnite

Herbs/Oils: Rose, Bergamot, Cardamom, Peppermint, Chamomile, Frankincense, Lavender, Myrrh, Sandalwood, and Patchouli, Nettle, Tumeric, Ginger

Energy Work: Knees, Ankles, Sternum, Pecs, Sides of Ribs, Liver

Slapping/Tapping, Applying Pressure to Tender Spots, Breathwork

Walk your fingers, with pressure around the pec, knees, ribs- stop when you find a tender spot, apply pressure, tap. Breathe through any physical pain. It is normal to feel anxiety while you’re working the spots to cry to get angry allow these killings to come out.

You may feel the need to stretch and move your body before during or after listen to your body. Do not stop when anxiety or uncomfortable feelings rise to the surface this is your body releasing these trapped torturous trauma responses.

Spells and Rituals:

Self Compassion/Acceptance - Waxing Moon; Releasing Rituals - Waning Moon

Keep it Simple:

Drink Nettle Leaf Tea, Burn herbs on a charcoal disc, Add oil to a diffuser, Simmer Pots, Ritual Baths, Creat oils to apply when doing release on body