The most difficult part about healing relational and developmental trauma - is putting the new way of being into action in a romantic relationship.
Years of therapy of all kinds, medication and then adding intuitive subtle energy - it's been life changing. But I've been single.
The deepest wounds I have are related to developing intimacy- therefore they are the most destabilizing to my nervous system when activated.
I am at the highest risk of activation And dysregulation when I'm in the the process of developing intimacy in a new romantic relationship.
I'm talking about trust. Not sex. The kind of trust that you don't assume the worst, nor do you allow behaviors from the other person out of fear of abandonment, nor use nervous system activation to excuse what can be abuse behavior. Where one is authentic, vulnerable, hopeful, full of joy and optimism and completely realistic.
The most difficult of all is to be 1000% activated and at the same time - what the other person is doing or saying needs to be addressed.... am I over reacting? Yes - do I need to respond? Yes.
What - ok both came be true?
How do I do that with out acting out or dissociation?
In my abusive childhood, synapses and neuroceptors needed to identify danger were "pruned" as a survival skill in order to enable me to tolerate abusive parents. Preserving the parental bond is a primitive survival skill. There's no choice, the body takes over.
This pruning explains why adult survivors end up in abusive relationships. We don't attract them- they aren't out hunting us- we just don't see the danger others do- we literally lack the neural pathways that make those connections. Let's combine the former with perceiving the chaos we grew up in as normal. Another survival skill- believing how your parents treat you and and each other is what love is.
Various forms of therapy and programs and energy work especially, helps to create new neural pathways - but doing so is is FUCKIN HARD WORK. It takes years upon years upon years!
One can and will swing to the other direction too- see danger everywhere- triggered by smells, sounds, a feeling after. Even when there is no danger.
My therapist use me to call it "using a machine gun to kill a gnat"
So then when we overreact -now we can't trust our feelings. So we swing back and forth. Likely in abusive relationships too.
Science has shown being in narcissistic and abusive relationships as adults does the same thing to the brain that growing up in abusive household do.
Then most of us - unable to discern who is safe and who is not simply retreat. Any type of relationships end up causing a constant state of fight or flight and it's exhausting. It's easier to just be alone.
I was now old -- 44, when I went- wait a minute these feelings are real. Granted they are TOO big- - but there's something here. Then that lead me to abandon any relationship that was developing. Because fuck that.
Obviously, I noticed the pattern. I was fine until emotions began to get involved And they were reciprocate.
It triggered all sorts of things in my body and my central nervous system. I had to step back and go wait a minute I am not the same woman I was 20 years ago. I can recognize danger- those men don't make the cut anymore.
So what is happening here?
Developing the ability to regulate not only my emotions - but an autonomic nervous system one that is hard wired to detect any signs of abuse - and mind you all humans do human things- that look like they could be abuse- let's add to it what men do to women on a daily basis. ...
We are constantly looking for a secret wife or girlfriend , an addiction, some sexual deception, anger problems, addictions emotional ineptness, narcissism, ulterior motives of any kind, your REAL PERSONALITY...
because that's just how most of y'all are.
I digress.....
So I've had all these realizations and now it's time to walk the talk- and it's scary.
When I say scary, I mean my autonomic nervous system is sending code red alarms through my entire motherfucking body. I'm not talking about just being afraid. I'm talking full on central nervous system activation head to toe. Hands are numb. I'm about to pass out.
A simple conversation or decision to send a message or call now manifests into a myriad of complicated obstacles.
Calming my body down, resetting the the central nervous system, grounding myself in the present moment. I may need to get into some healing, now there are tons of tears and release.
I may not be about to pass out but the system is still activated. It can take me days or weeks to regulate after the destabilization.
Do you know what can trigger t sdndndn
I have to revisit the issue logically first. With re-activating my CNS.
I comfortable with this or not? Is this a reasonable ask?
Then I have to make sure that I am not saying yes or no out of a fear of abandonment or rejection or justifying the behavior for the same reason.
Learning how to say to someone "I don't like that you do that, don't do that again", the give them the benefit of the doubt that they are human and not some secret psycho, and then waiting to find out the response - it's fucking torturous!
My body is telling me I am fucking dying!
I need to know how long I have to live this way y'all?!?
I might scream into a pillow. Now I'm irritable- my system is still not stabilized.
But I step back- I take an objective look at this. I have plenty of friends that I'm able to do this with and it goes well.
Everytime I've ever had conflict with a friend and we work through, it we become closer. Intimacy develops and grows.
In the beginning when you don't know which way up- or how things will turn out- it fucking difficult to navigate through.
I mean I just wanna crawl under my covers pull them over my head and cry and end everything.
People who don't understand trauma - theirs or others will call it "self sabotage".
They are wrong - what I call it is giving myself some fucking relief from all the other chemicals firing through my fucking body telling me my house is burning down and I'm going to d*e in the process. It's like calling the fire department. I'm saving my life. That's how ending things feels.
I am practicing making it through these tough spots that feel like they will last forever - reminding myself about the big picture. This feeling won't last forever.
Its exhausting with these types of triggers, comes severe executive dysfunction. I can't get anything done when I'm this fucking activated.
I can calm myself down and it will work for a while. It is manageable. It will come back until there is some closure of the issue.
Will the person hear me and will they accommodate it? Or will they abandon ship?
I think I'm more afraid of being accommodated and being heard and then having to continue this journey of building intimacy… than I am of rejection. A part of me is hoping it doesn't work out.
Sigh.
the Archangel Haniel has been teaching me energy and breath techniques to stabilize and heal these nervous system responses. I have been sharing them on TikTok and just opened up a few slots for a trial group session on my website at www.bluemoonoracle.com/booking.
Lets change the way the world treats trauma.