Dark Wood Tarot by Sascha Graham, art by Abigail Larson
I was 20 years old when my first therapist told me, “You will go from mental hospital to mental hospital, abusive relationship to abusive relationship and suicide attempt to a suicide attempt for the rest of your life.”
I wanted to die that day. Thank Goddess I chose to live.
I have Complex PTSD and I am survivor or repetitive trauma beginning in infancy , through out every developmental stage of my young life— at the hands of those charged to care for me.
The pattern of abuse followed me into adulthood. I have survived and I have left two abusive husbands.
I have been in some type of recovery for most of my life; seriously for the last decade beginning when my main abuser died in 2010. I had my last drink on May 5, 2011.
I have been plagued by depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, dissociation, depersonalization and all the other perks of CPTSD. At its peak — in my fight to stay alive and sober it lead to an eventual breakdown and full on disability.
I have been doing everything that I’m supposed to do to get better: seeing doctors and therapists and taking medication.
I have lost weight, eat health(ier), exercise and journal, I fucking color and paint.
I have pushed myself beyond my comfort zone more times than I can count. I have found myself balled up in the fetal position more times than I can count. I have clawed my way out of the pits of hell and depression more times than I can count. I have had incremental progress over the years and my quality of life has improved. I constantly survived life.
I quit drinking almost 10 years ago. I have recovered from eating disorders. I have not self harmed in over 5 years. I rejoined society again. (Slowly and trepidatiously). I started a small business. I successfully held volunteer positions and I began taking my power back. I started to emerge from my shell. Still plagued by terror and insecurities. Each challenge sending me back two steps, yet I pressed on.
Covid 19 forced me back into isolation and things got dark for me. My new small business disappeared. As did my social life and my ability to leave my home.
Month after month went by. I tried. I did a garden. I didn’t Kill it. I started refinishing furniture. I actually finished a few pieces. I picked lots of fights on social media and ended every toxic relationship in my life. Let’s just say my circle got really small. I was holding on but barely. Insomnia returned.
Then it happened. Something unexpected happened.
An abuser showed up — a gaslighting trigger — and for now I have to leave the details out, but he showed up and sent me spiraling downhill quickly.
I checked out. I didn’t leave my bedroom for a month. I didn’t even do the basics like shower or eat. I was once again filled with terror and nightmares and anxiety. I felt hopeless despair. I saw no sunlight. No way out.
I decided to order tarot cards. I don’t know why. I just did. For some reason I knew my solution was found somewhere in those 78 cards.
Since I ordered those cards in August my life has been transformed. I have been transformed. With the assistance of my therapist, the Tarot and Dark Goddesses, I dove headfirst into Jungian Shadow Work and my life has been transformed and my body healed.
Amazingly I now have the ability to heal others and to teach them to heal themselves. I can’t wait to tell you all about it.
Follow me and join me on my journey of self discovery, liberation and transformation.
Blue Moon Oracle, Healer of healers, Oracle and Shadow Witch